Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
