I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
