I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
