Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
