Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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