if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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