pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Dear god my vagina.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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