dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Hippo gnu deer
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
