My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Randomize
