I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
