shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
