He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
