Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I want to walk on stilts...naked
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
COCAINE IS GR8
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
