i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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