My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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