I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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