Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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