why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
