you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
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