So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
