operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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