cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
