I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
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