I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
