Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
