Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
