before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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