those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
