mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
