why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
