I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
