why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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