please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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