Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
