I will die if light touches me.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
