either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
