when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
