I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
