No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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