she was so not down for the gang bang
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You are a genius and a whore.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
