You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
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I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
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Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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