I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
