the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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