I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
