the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Semen is not good for contacts.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
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