Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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