My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
