LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
