I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
