I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
