i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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