hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
