I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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