I am puke
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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