So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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