I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
