One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
