just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Randomize
