I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
