he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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